Maybe You’re the Problem
Earlier this year, I ended a friendship. I was constantly upset with this friend, so I thought that she was toxic.
Five months later, I think I was wrong.
I thought that she was making it a competition. Looking back, I allowed it to feel that way. I thought she was trying to distance me from my other friend. But my other friend had already distanced herself from me.
I look back at my reasoning for ending the friendship. I just wanted to feel okay again.
I now realize that many of my feelings had less to do with my friend and more to do with me.
It had to do with my anger, with my jealousy. It had to do with my fear of rejection that made me want to bottle up all of the complaints that I had to give her.
I called someone a toxic friend, but I now know that I was the toxic element to our relationship. I was a ticking time bomb, counting up all of the times she made me upset.
She wasn’t perfect, but neither was I.
Maybe its because I’m lonely or because I am nostalgic for my senior year, wishing for things to be the same again — but I want to reach out and tell her all of these things. Yet, I know that it’s too late.
Sometimes things can’t be fixed. Many of these things can’t be replaced either.
I take this realization with the pain of knowing that I messed up. The friendship may have fizzled out regardless, but I was mean. I wanted to be right. I wanted an apology.
Growing up means realizing that you’re not always the good guy in your story. Sometimes you’re the villain, even in your own mind. However, the only way you can overcome your villainy is through realization and growth.
I’m still working on that.